Not all repair attempts are effective. The success of a repair attempt often has to do with how well it is tailored to our partner. A repair attempt is any stem or action-verbal or nonverbal, physical, or otherwise – meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control.
John Gottman calls repair attempts the “secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. His research saw that the success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts was one of the primary factors in whether a relationships “flourish or flounder”.
Knowing how your partner receives love and what they need to repair from conflict is like having a secret weapon tailored just to them and their happiness. Not all repair attempts work for everyone, so simply making a good repair attempt doesn’t ensure success. Your partner needs to recognize and accept the attempt. To make it easier for them to do this, you need to find out how your partner receives repairs.
For some people, a simple “I am sorry” is enough. Others need physical touch such as hugs and kisses. A small gift can work as a token, olive branch for some. Do you know how to repair it with your partner? If you are not sure, ask them. Then be sure to give them what they need when things get heated.
Sharron Brandon
Couples Counsellor / Therapist
