Prioritize your relationship. When Matt hears Beth telling him to stack the dishwasher in a particular way, he tenses up. His first impulse is to bite back: “don’t tell me what to do!”. But he knows this will escalate things to an argument. Instead, he takes a deep breath, looks at Beth and says softly
“Honey, when I am told what to do like that, I feel belittled. I need to be trusted that my way will work too”.
Beth has her doubts, but she realizes she has a choice: she could fight to have it her way and risk a disconnect in the relationship or let him try his way and risk it won’t work. Which is more important to her relationship or perfect dishes just the way she likes it.
Does this sound like a familiar scenario to you? I think every couple can relate! In a moment we have a choice to fight for the relationship or fight to be right. And as the old saying goes “you can be right or have a relationship take your pick”.
Matt made a choice not to respond with defensiveness, he took a chance and remained vulnerable. He spoke to his feelings and appealed to Beth’s understanding of how it felt for him. He is teaching Beth how to treat him by being true to his feelings and needs. He was brave and took a risk.
Much of what we do in couples therapy is to explore our responses and learn a new way of remaining with our feelings and our needs rather than being defensive or going on the attack.
Sharron Brandon
Couples Therapist
