Be Prepared to cause waves in your relationship for its betterment
It turns out that more relationships fail through disconnection and silence than because of fighting. In other words, more relationships fail because one or both partners don’t raise issues for fear of having to deal with conflict.
Far from saving your relationship, this tactic results in a cascade towards negativity, First, staying silent prevents your partner from learning about your needs: this means attunement between you can’t be developed, which leads to constant small disappointments, which in turn results in a build-up of resentment.
Learning to ask for your needs to be met and being prepared to dialogue about this, with a view to helping your partner to understand you, continually builds your attunement towards each other. High attunement leads to high relationship satisfaction, greater emotional connection, and safety and security in your relationship.
John Gottman’s research speaks to what is referred to as the “soft startup” to difficult conversations. Think of it this way: if someone comes to you with a legitimate complaint but they don’t blame you or don’t come off as critical, you likely won’t feel attacked and won’t feel the need to go on the defensive. Because there isn’t overt negativity in their tone or in their words, you’re more likely to be receptive to their concerns and needs.
Mastering the softened start up takes skill start with:
- Use “I” Statements: Describe your feelings and preferences using “I” statements. Instead of saying “you always,” express your emotions: “I am upset that the beds have not been made for our quests”.
- Avoid Criticism and Blame: Refrain from making global critical statements about your partner’s personality. Focus on specific situations and your feelings. For example, say, “I’d appreciate it if you would make the beds for our quests now, please.”
- Express Positive Needs: Frame your requests in positive terms. Instead of saying what you dislike, state what you want: “Would you please help me with this?” Positivity encourages cooperation.
- Show Appreciation: Express gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s efforts. Saying “thank you” goes a long way in encouraging positive behaviour.
By incorporating softened start-ups into your communication, you create a more respectful and understanding atmosphere, fostering a sense of teamwork
Sharron Brandon Couples Counsellor